Things to look forward to?

Hello,

Lanvin for H&M cant wait.

On giving up

Today i feel like i want to give up on every dream i have and live free of all desires and dreams some so hard on me that take me don all the feelings and everything that hurts. But i wont giving up is never an option to consider. A Capitan never abandons his ship.

The guitar man

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVtdYKVXYhI

Shopping

I went to buy a new mouse for my laptop. instead, i ended up in a store that sold candles a huge store on the opening day and it was filled with people but i was the only guy in the entire store!! can you believe it?! i took a picture.

I am happy with myself

I am a gentleman at this age i can clearly see it when i attend a party where there are many successful individuals from every background.

to the stars dialectic and anti-thesis

I am the thesis of love and you propose the anti-thesis then there will be synthesis to abolish us both. I am a racist elitist materialist almost 80% Marxist and almost 100% in love.

progress

sometimes to build one has to destroy. to reach for the sky one has to leave the ground. Being average is easy being great is not.

We have a choice

it was no ones fault!! it was faith, tragedy !!
We're holding on to the pain because it's all we have left. We don't have to. We have a choice.

I am holding on to the pain the pain that took over me and i cant let it go
but i have a choice dont i?!

Today i realized something

I had my epiphany today. actually more than one :

1. There is someone who loves me in a very romantic way
2. There is someone i love but doesnt love me in that romantic way. She does trust me and i can be her best friend and make her happy and be there for her if she ever does need me for if we cant be the best of lovers we definitely can be the best of friends.
3. i have friends many i just never contact them as often as i should
4. for some reason i have lost my confidence in myself i know when it has started but i was never able to stop it fully i went down now i know why and how to get back on my feet i spent 3 years down there now i have to come back.

Please read the previous post

Thank you

I am probably very much used to people who take advantage of me, you are different.you make me feel a little better about myself.

My duty

I have generations of great people behind. I must climb higher i must change this darn mode of myself to a more active to a more responsible one. i know i can i just have to do it.

I am

Lost?!
Sad?
happy?
in love?!
crazy ?
depress?
drunk?
in search of smth?
btw i really want to read À la recherche du temps perdu again i didnt read one of the volumes and i think the title is the greatest title of all time and the book itself comes second only to roger martin du gard's Les Thibault, a roman fleuve and believe it or not i have hardly seen a single person who have read it beside the wiki page of Roger martin du gard is hardly a paragraph and damn it he has won a nobel prize ...
they say the world has changed for good but in 20s a writer would write les thibault and win today Mario Vargas Llosa and herta muller receive the prize!! how the hell is it a change for good?!

I love Wearing suits

I really love wearing suits. Suits are made for men to look good and i do wear them from time to time to school! In my school u can always get away with " I have an interview today " in my case it is not always the case but i say it anyway. i know it is a lie but i cant tell my classmates that i love wearing suits and especially pocket squares. i feel so much more confident when i know c'est dans la poche. ;)
Either way it felt great today to wear a suit.

Finally uploaded 1946-7 North of France

Grandfather 1947 France

iran

دلم مى خو اد باز به ايران برم . يه جا كه مردم همه فارسى حرف ميزنن. نميدونم شايد دليلش توهستى كه باز به ايران علاقه پيدا كردم . دلم مى خواد سره خاك عموم برم .

چنارهاى خيابون پهلوى ، لاله زار بازار زعفرانيه پيچ شمرون پارك ملت همه رو مى خوام بار ديگه پيدا كنم . شايد خودمم پيدا كردم اين وسط آدم ايده آليستى كه لباس پاره مى پوشيد چون مى خو است غم مردمو بفهمه. كتاب 24 ساعت در خواب و بيدارى بهرنگى منو وارد 3 ماه سيبزمنى پخته خوردن كرد كه هرچى بهم گفتن من از خر شيطون پاين نيومدم.. چقدر متفاوت بودم، شايد الان پيش عموم تو يه قبره 2 مترى خوابيده بودم اگه مونده بودم. اما باز چه كنم كه وسوسه ديدار مجدد از جانم جدا نمى شود.

Paris ?!

I am seriously considering a visit to paris the city where i have so much grand memories from. now the problem is if i go i can only stay for a few days. The house is gone the house at paris 16 where u could wake up to those great smells. Ahh paris paris the clean smell of Parisian mornings cafe's and all those lazy mornings. I made a promise to myself if i ever go to paris i will go in style if no apt i will stay in a nice hotel that means i wont be able to stay for long. So many of the first things i had done was in paris. the first time i went out with a girl the first night club mm what else oh the first drink i had the first CD i bought ( the ground floor of Galleries Lafayette do they still sell CD's? ) mm i should go and find out if many things are still the same. i ll go to paris for only few days but it will be nice i am sure where do i want to visit ?!

mmm i have to make a list Harry Bar?! yes ? The blue train where i went with my beloved grandpa in one afternoon?! maybe ?! Orsay ?! yes !! the sex museum at pigalle?! I will defiently go to Mullins rouge not for the ladies but for Henry de Toulouse-Latrec. I go to paris not to fall in love but to love again.

Hello Darkness

Hi there,

I had a great start i had a good day but now i dont feel as good?! !why is that so ?!

I want to smoke so bad .. i have to lose weight my waist is down to 32 now from 34 i have to reach 31 before i can go back for a modeling contract. I have had a contract before but then i gave up i just could nt live like that.. two of my friends are in the same modeling agency Marcus and Piere. last time i did it was 2 years ago.. the truth is for the first time in a long time i feel like i need money and for some reason i feel poor well i have 40 k in my account but i am suppose to keep it and stuff lol i dont remember what i am suppose to do .. anyways i havent bought much this year the last time i did major winter shopping was two w ago now i need to do some shopping and god there is so much i want the most expensive thing i have in mind is this gucci coat. ok here is the thing i know a great coat lasts u a long time.. i had one it worked well for the past three years but i cant decide if i want to buy it.. i am pretty boring right now

i hate myself i am cynical crazy angry and just unbearable as we speak so please keep urself out of my way..

when i was younger my mom told me if you really love somebody it is impossible for that person not to love you. I guess she really believed what she told me, but it was so untrue.

عکسها با دهن کجی بهم می گن
چشم امید و بِبُر از آسمون
روزا با هم دیگه فرقی ندارن
بوی کهنگی میدن تمومشون

You

How wonderful it is to listen to you talking. Your words flow in the air and i just cant reply properly because only because all i can think is to find a way to stop this very moment..

this moment of love and joy, for i never know when the next time would be. Only if you felt the same way, only if i could share this joy with you! only if you could feel the same wave of happiness i felt today.

On being understood

"Never doubt who you are " once he told me. People wont appriciate the person you are not becuase they are mean or anything but becuase they have hard time understaning what they see. Ehyeh Asher ehyeh god said when he was asked what his name is. I am who I am!
Being different means you have to deny who u are if you want to fit in. If you dont you have to deal with the hardship you will face. " One day you will rise beyond their imagination and then they will recognize you and see what they should have seen long before"

HAppy days

My blog is depressing. I should change the background picture. Everything is good and nice i am in love and life is so beautiful why should my blog look so gloomy?

i cut my hair no i cut my hair for real now my hair is hardly an inch long..

i am not kidding!! I look very masculine. My face has changed a lot.

End here?!

The family tale is a long and sad one. One i have decided to keep myself. Just to finish what i wanted to say i have attached a picture of my grandfather's father with his brother Mohamad Hussein in St. Petersburg the picture was taken in 1910 according to my grandfather. It was before the world war before things get so awful Iranian constitutional revolution has just succeeded . Mohamad Hussein at the time was a member of Iranian parliament and a very charismatic leader he is sitting here.my dad's grandfather is standing to the right wearing a white pocket square in the corner next to his brother. four years later just before the great war he meets his wife. with the revolution the family was forced to leave Russia his father in law was a memeber of the white army fighting against reds he was killed in action near Moscow and many things happned. My grandfather father eventually died in 1930s of pneumonia in north of iran ( the only time i have seen my dad showing any interest in his family was when we met a friend of my grandfather mr. Stephan Malian they were kindergarden classmates he told me my grandfather'sfather was a very kind hearted man, while he was walking on the street he saw a homeless man frizing to death so he gave him his jacket the next day he got sick and died soon after) leaving a wife and children they lived in paris again living in an apartment at Quai louis Blério number 8. A pretty big apt with french std an entire floor but i wouldnt think it was impressive coming from Iran. The apt stayed in my family until three years ago when my aunt decided to sell it and so did my father.

My grandfather went to Germany to study engineering in 1936 he finished his school just before war get serious. the family didnt stay in occupied france came back to iran via germany in 1941 before iran becomes occupid as well. they came back to iran my great gandmother learned farsi tho she could never speak without accent. We have her voice tapped on an old gramaphone or wat ever u call that. my grandfather had a brother, a playboy in nature a very handsome man name Ghasem. He was a wonderful skier and represented iran in 1952 winter olympics we have many pictures of him left in the family. the young man who was just born to live and have fun died in a car accident just before my dad was born in 1959 . my grandfather joined the UN and lived in Europ mostly Netherlands. He married an iranian version of Ingrid Bergman, my grandmother who was hardly 20 at the time my grandfather being 38. they had an amazing life together and i truly think they were deeply in love until the very end. My grandmother was the youngest of an old family called Bavand ( believing that their family is related to the house of bavand ) was very spoiled and hard to deal with. My grandfather on the other hand was a true gentleman and nice toward her listening to all her stupid complians and man how much i loved seeing how he treats her with such respect. Anyhow the worst part was that she couldnt cook anything she still cant so the family sent her nanny and her cook with her another reason for why she never learned. However she could make some amazing iranian deserts very well things like all sort of jams Halva sholezard. My grandfather died in 1997 winter of that year my grandmother lives btw new york and Los Angles where my aunt moved from New york after 9/11. i hardly call her but she still does call me often. i am an awful person am i not?

a great deal of family wealth was lost thro the years my grandfather was a founding member of " Kafshe Melli" he built several factories in iran after he left UN in 1968 namly " Charm e hamedan" he has always been sympathetic toward Mossadegh so he never tried politics in the years after. With the down of Pahlavi my family was in toruble again. my grandfather;s cousin was an army general Nader Jahanbani with the nickname the blue eyed general was excuted a

month after my grandfather was in NY at the time with my aunt recently addmited to Cornell

didnt come back to iran. my dad and his brother Reza stayed in Iran when the young Reza became very political my dad being older brother asked my grandfather to arragne smth for Reza to leave iran ASAP but my grandfather didnt predict things to take such sharp turn and when they acted the 1981-2 mass excutionss came where the young Reza , also became the victim of at the age of 17. Reza was a smart boy with deep Hazel eyes and very light brown hair almost ginger. I was named after him. His death was the final hit on the family my grandfather had a heart attack soon after when he came back to iran it was too late. his factories were taken by the government my dad spent the next 7 years in the army during the war. His death in 1997 was in a way end of an era. And as Beyhaghi the iranian historian said in the 9th century.

This was the detailed description of the sons of hassan's life so the future generations learn.

و چنين بود احوال قوم بوحسن تا آيندگان عبرت گيرند

i wanted to write more in detail but i guess there is no point i miss my grandfather and that is it. i dont care about any thing except for him. how wonderfuly he talked in this old persian. He cared so much about people. he would alwyas help everyone.

From Rags to riches

My great-grandfather Haj Hassan came from a very humble background. His father was a traditional banker he would get money from people and you would be able to get the same money in a different city almost like a money exchange store. when he was young his father died and his family was left with debts. He left his city Isfahan to the capital of Qajar's Tehran where he could start a new life. At the age of twenty he had a small shop in tehran bazar where he met a greek merchandiser who was representing a british company called Ralli & Angelasto back then Iran or as it was called Persia was only famous for its carpet ( we are talking about pre-oil world 19th century ) Ralli company as you can read about it in Sir Dennis Wright's Englishman among Iranians would export the much needed silk and other product needed for iran's carpet industry from Manchester and again export Persian carpet to the west. This was a great start for him Haj Hassan learned all about international bussiness under this man and then later he started his own business. These are such ancient history that i dont care about much. He was a very smart man. In a way he was one of the founding memebrs of international muslim brotherhood he was the man financially supporting Seyed Jamal Al Din Assadabadi the muslim thinker. ( back then muslim brtherhood was mostly an anti-imprialist thing we are talking pre-communism days)

He branched his business to all corners of the the world he had offices in London, HongKong Marsaille Paris Moscow and even NewYork. I read a document by Hong Kong Shanghai bank ( what we know as HSBC today ) that he was the biggest exporter of Opuim to China for several years. He was also very interested in science he travled to much of Europ and tried to bring great things with him. he was a founding member of iranian Royal science academy. Ohh where did the family name come from?

He became the dominant figure of Middle eastern business people at the time he was probably one of the richest man in the world, Russian Imprial bank estimated his wealth to be close to 100s of million Robles. His influence and wealth was to the extend that he started minting iranian coins. ( you can see how things werent in order back then ) as a result he was given the unusal title of Amin Al Zarb ( the man trusted with minting ) most Qajar titles were a combination of certain words, such as Dole ( memeber of the governing body ) Saltaneh ( related to royals ) mamalek ( mostly given to land oweners ) very few however were exception mostly given to the most influential people of their time : Sepahsalar ( the greatest of the army given to Mohamd taghi khan Tonekaboni ) Farmanfarma ( given to abdulhossein mirza one of the most important figures of iranian history and the man who owned half the lands in iran) and finally Amin Al Zarb my great grandfather.

anyhow apparently he was a philanthropist too , he bought large amount of wheat and gave people of tehran for free during the 1890 famine.

His Memoire was published in English few years ago by Shirin mahdavi one of my distant relatives. much of it is about how he feels toward his country and how he wants it to advance and change. He surly tried hard to do so by brining the first Railway to iran the first suger factory . he was alsso the man who brought electircity.

he died in 1897 if i am correct and left his empire to three sons one being my father's grandfather Hossein and another his famous brother Mohammad Hussein.

Family

For a long time i have been thinking about writing about my family. For many reasons i stopped to do so. i could never write about it on facebook. My blog on the other hand is more private and confidential. When i instantly decided to write the last post i came to realize that i begun to forget many things mostly stories i have heard from my grandfather ( my dad never talks about anything that happned to him in past or our family, he just hates the fact that things arent the way they used to be)
The fact that i have spent most of my childhood with my late grandfather explains why i am the person i am. I AM SO OLD FASHIONED. it is painful for me i can not c connect to others. even the ones i want to, do not understand me. I have to hide much of myself things that are important. i will sound like i am pretentious if i talk about them. YEs i am so proud of them I am so proud of my family. thanks to the past 30 years of islamic republic rule over Iran my family became smaller and smaller my dad is pretty much the last member of the once Amin al zarb family living in Iran. The next few posts wont be historically accurate i try to read on the subject and people as i write but then most of them is based on the stories and memories i have heard from my grandfather many years ago.
i grow up in a way that i felt almost ashamed toward my past the glories past. my moms family had strong ties to the current government of iran so they made me feel ashamed of my fathers family. so many sad things happened to my dad in the 1980s that he tried to forget all about the good old days. almost as Shakespeare said :


"O, no! the apprehension of the good, Gives but the greater feeling to the worse."

Pictures of my beloved grandfather in Hague

Probably one of the most significant things that happned in iranian history happned in the hauge Holland international court of justice where iran won the right to nationalize its oil industry. My beloved grandfather Mohmmad Mahdavi Esfahani was a memeber of iranian diplomatic delagation today i have received a series of picture my aunt received from iran in an email. I have seen one or two pictures from that event in my late grandfathr's house the pictures were mostly taken by him so he is absent in most of them. id write about him he was a part of my life which i never wanted to share much of the man i am today is thanks to him. now i see him in these pictures so handsome and proud in the most important event that he talked about always my eyes fills with tears. he was an engineer and not a politician spent much of his life working for UN he could speak 7 languages which made him perfect candidate for this trip at the time he was stationed in Roterrdam when he was asked to join the group by then a respected politician Mozaffar Baghaei a man who sold himself two years later. Needless to say he joined the group knowing Dr.Mossadegh thro family his cousin Dr. Mohsen Mahdavi Aminolzarb i bealive was also a part of this group tho i cant see him in any of the pictures .
He was always a very well dressed man in the pictures he can be seen wearing a pair of white pocket squares ( I also wear them often ) here he must be around 31 making him probably the youngest member. he is second from right second row just behined dr. Mossadegh next to dr. Gholam hossein mossadegh. ahh how much i miss him .

I Am love

I am love

my very personal feelings

i started a relationship with the worst possible match i could find for myself ..

now i know one thing i can only be with nothing short of my ideal love.. a real one .

i cant hurt myself or another person like i did hurt so many people over the past couple of month i feel ashamed to think how easily i used the word love over the past few month.

mid end of january

here i am bored and sitting alone i ditched all my many friends for a little quiet among strangers haha the truth is i sill know many of this crowd but still none of them are the type i d like to talk to or even make me wonder that i might might speak to ...

i am listening to lilly allen the littlest thing such beautiful song haha i wish i could become the face of channel too like her the only thing ever done by that guy karl legerfeld i admire choosing her as the face of channel ..

it seems that i cant shake those memories i wonder if you feel the same way too....

lets listen to the song again,.

it is nice to get lost among so many people i want to go to japan to tokyo and lose myself among 100000000 people on the streets of tokyo i want to lose myself lose the sense of time and place .. i want it ..